Back when I was a kid...

       I'm going to be 38 in September.
Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a young mom...you know, young enough to still know what is cool when my kids were teens, young enough to be able to run around and chase after them, young enough because, well your twenties are when you are supposed to have kids. Once I got started going to college, I kept pushing back my "no later than" date. No later than 25 to have kids, then no later than 30. I got married and found my partner wasn't the type I wanted to have kids with so then it became "I don't want kids" rather than deal with the inevitable. Then I got divorced, met a wonderful man, got remarried, and now we are thinking about kids. Or just one.
        I'm terrified. Kids were not part of my life plan for a long time and now, I don't have the luxury of time. I've always been vigilant about my birth control. Birth control has been my savior the last twenty years. Currently, I have an implantable device in my arm that is good up through next summer, but I am getting it out next month. Plenty of women have babies after they hit 30, and even 40. I am going to be 38, I am old enough to already have an adult child. I'm technically old enough to be a grandmother. I'm not even pregnant and I'm already nauseous.
   I don't know what I am going to get out of this blog. I may not even keep up with writing on it. What I do know, is I have no idea what I am doing. I'm not sure I still even really want a kid, but I have to do it now or never. No one ever says they regret having a child, but plenty regret never having one. But plenty never have kids and don't regret it either. I'd rather regret something I did than something I was too afraid to try. That's what I am telling myself at least.
   There will be a lot of benefits of waiting until now to have a kid. I've got my MSN, have travelled the world, am way more mature than I was in my twenties, I'm better off financially, and I eat better and take care of myself. I am much better prepared to be a parent now than I ever was. I'm anxious to see how this whole thing pans out for me.