Monday, September 22, 2014
tiresome
I'll cut to the chase...I'm not sure how comfortable I am with all of this to continue blogging about it. At first I thought I'd have an open policy about getting older and trying to get pregnant, but that's when I wore rose colored glasses. Now I see that it really just may not happen for me and I'm kinda (well, actually really) depressed about it and don't want to blog about it anymore. It could be that I'm depressed and that's killing my motivation to write, or it could be that I'm not ready to share the very intimate details yet. In any event, this will probably be my last post for awhile.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
tests, tests, and more tests
Alright, my Nexplanon implant has been removed and so for the first time on over 20 years I am without a birth control hormone. Word is, I can get pregnant the day the implant is removed. But, nothing is ever easy for me and my nurse practitioner thinks I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) which is the number one cause for female infertility. Over the past 12 months, most all the classic signs and symptoms of this disorder have plagued me and I am in the process of getting a bazillion tests done to see if I can get a diagnosis. This is important because insulin intolerance is one of the key aspects of the syndrome and must be corrected. Plus, J and I will have to decide if we want to use fertility drugs to try and get pregnant. If I have PCOS, conception will be difficult enough. Add on that I have hypothyroidism which also makes conception hard, AND that I will be 38 next month and I am looking at a lot of factors against me getting pregnant. If we decide to use a fertility drug, like Clomid, we run the risk of multiples. Not just twins, but triplet and quadruplets are a distinct possibility. I'd be more than happy with twins...but triplets? Not so much. I'm just waiting for a lot of my results to come back, and I have to do more testing next week.
Who is going to come help me if I end up with triplets?!
Is it too much to ask to just get pregnant normally and joyfully without all the tests, worry, drugs, and stress?
Do I want to use fertility drugs is the prime question running through my head right now and I can't seem to come up with an answer. Do I want to risk never having a baby, or risk having multiples? I'm aware I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but I want to make sure I know my feelings on the subject if infertility is, in fact, something I need to deal with.
Who is going to come help me if I end up with triplets?!
Is it too much to ask to just get pregnant normally and joyfully without all the tests, worry, drugs, and stress?
Do I want to use fertility drugs is the prime question running through my head right now and I can't seem to come up with an answer. Do I want to risk never having a baby, or risk having multiples? I'm aware I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but I want to make sure I know my feelings on the subject if infertility is, in fact, something I need to deal with.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Unexpected
July 30, 2014.
So I made my "well woman" appointment to get thumbs up from my nurse practitioner (n.p) about preparing to conceive. My scheduled date for the Nexplanon removal is August 19. My n.p. started me on a prenatal vitamin, and scheduled a visit with my regular doctor to go over my thyroid issues. Having thyroid disease can not only make it more difficult to get pregnant, but can also cause miscarriages, and cause birth defects and deformities. My n.p. said that if I am not preggo within three months of trying she wants me to go see a fertility specialist. J and I aren't sure we want to go that route...if we don't conceive, we just don't. But, I really need to get to the meat of this post...what exactly was unexpected during this visit.
I'm sitting up on the exam table with my paper gown on, and my n.p. begins the breast exam by first asking me if I've had any breast surgeries. I gasp and say "no why does something look wrong?!", to which she responds "no, you just have really nice breasts, you are quite lucky". But it wasn't creepy or inappropriate. My breasts are often discussed openly and are sometimes a spectacle (like when attempting to do water aerobics). So, her comment wasn't the unexpected portion of my visit.
I lay back and she starts the breast exam. I have had one of these done by a professional every year since I was 16 so I know the routine. So when she stopped and asked me how long I've had the lump in my left breast, I was a bit shocked. Three fingers from the nipple, at the 2 o'clock position I have a lump in my left breast.
I think about my risk factors: my paternal grandmother had breast cancer, I have been on hormone contraceptives for over 20 years, I was exposed to the Iraqi Burn Pit for 5 months and inhaled cocktails of carcinogens on a daily basis (female vets who served near burn pits have a 40% higher rate of breast cancer than the normal female population). Although, I have been tested for the breast cancer gene and I do not have it. But, the gene doesn't account for everything, right?
As of right now, I don't have an appointment scheduled yet. I'm writing this blog, but I'm not going to publish it until after my ultrasound, and after I have talked to my mother. I don't want to scare my mom needlessly, so I'm not going to tell her anything until I have something to tell her and that won't be until AFTER the ultrasound results are in.
August 3, 2014
Why does it seem like everything everywhere all of a sudden is about breast cancer? Every tv plot, bumper sticker... I know I'm just hyper aware, but it isn't helping me to keep a positive attitude or forget I have a lump in my breast.
August 5, 2014
I had my mammogram and breast ultrasound this morning and everything is normal! The radiologist said to just keep doing self exams and report back if anything changes. I'm very grateful, and very humbled by this experience.
So I made my "well woman" appointment to get thumbs up from my nurse practitioner (n.p) about preparing to conceive. My scheduled date for the Nexplanon removal is August 19. My n.p. started me on a prenatal vitamin, and scheduled a visit with my regular doctor to go over my thyroid issues. Having thyroid disease can not only make it more difficult to get pregnant, but can also cause miscarriages, and cause birth defects and deformities. My n.p. said that if I am not preggo within three months of trying she wants me to go see a fertility specialist. J and I aren't sure we want to go that route...if we don't conceive, we just don't. But, I really need to get to the meat of this post...what exactly was unexpected during this visit.
I'm sitting up on the exam table with my paper gown on, and my n.p. begins the breast exam by first asking me if I've had any breast surgeries. I gasp and say "no why does something look wrong?!", to which she responds "no, you just have really nice breasts, you are quite lucky". But it wasn't creepy or inappropriate. My breasts are often discussed openly and are sometimes a spectacle (like when attempting to do water aerobics). So, her comment wasn't the unexpected portion of my visit.
I lay back and she starts the breast exam. I have had one of these done by a professional every year since I was 16 so I know the routine. So when she stopped and asked me how long I've had the lump in my left breast, I was a bit shocked. Three fingers from the nipple, at the 2 o'clock position I have a lump in my left breast.
I think about my risk factors: my paternal grandmother had breast cancer, I have been on hormone contraceptives for over 20 years, I was exposed to the Iraqi Burn Pit for 5 months and inhaled cocktails of carcinogens on a daily basis (female vets who served near burn pits have a 40% higher rate of breast cancer than the normal female population). Although, I have been tested for the breast cancer gene and I do not have it. But, the gene doesn't account for everything, right?
As of right now, I don't have an appointment scheduled yet. I'm writing this blog, but I'm not going to publish it until after my ultrasound, and after I have talked to my mother. I don't want to scare my mom needlessly, so I'm not going to tell her anything until I have something to tell her and that won't be until AFTER the ultrasound results are in.
August 3, 2014
Why does it seem like everything everywhere all of a sudden is about breast cancer? Every tv plot, bumper sticker... I know I'm just hyper aware, but it isn't helping me to keep a positive attitude or forget I have a lump in my breast.
August 5, 2014
I had my mammogram and breast ultrasound this morning and everything is normal! The radiologist said to just keep doing self exams and report back if anything changes. I'm very grateful, and very humbled by this experience.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Back when I was a kid...
I'm going to be 38 in September.
Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a young mom...you know, young enough to still know what is cool when my kids were teens, young enough to be able to run around and chase after them, young enough because, well your twenties are when you are supposed to have kids. Once I got started going to college, I kept pushing back my "no later than" date. No later than 25 to have kids, then no later than 30. I got married and found my partner wasn't the type I wanted to have kids with so then it became "I don't want kids" rather than deal with the inevitable. Then I got divorced, met a wonderful man, got remarried, and now we are thinking about kids. Or just one.
I'm terrified. Kids were not part of my life plan for a long time and now, I don't have the luxury of time. I've always been vigilant about my birth control. Birth control has been my savior the last twenty years. Currently, I have an implantable device in my arm that is good up through next summer, but I am getting it out next month. Plenty of women have babies after they hit 30, and even 40. I am going to be 38, I am old enough to already have an adult child. I'm technically old enough to be a grandmother. I'm not even pregnant and I'm already nauseous.
I don't know what I am going to get out of this blog. I may not even keep up with writing on it. What I do know, is I have no idea what I am doing. I'm not sure I still even really want a kid, but I have to do it now or never. No one ever says they regret having a child, but plenty regret never having one. But plenty never have kids and don't regret it either. I'd rather regret something I did than something I was too afraid to try. That's what I am telling myself at least.
There will be a lot of benefits of waiting until now to have a kid. I've got my MSN, have travelled the world, am way more mature than I was in my twenties, I'm better off financially, and I eat better and take care of myself. I am much better prepared to be a parent now than I ever was. I'm anxious to see how this whole thing pans out for me.
Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a young mom...you know, young enough to still know what is cool when my kids were teens, young enough to be able to run around and chase after them, young enough because, well your twenties are when you are supposed to have kids. Once I got started going to college, I kept pushing back my "no later than" date. No later than 25 to have kids, then no later than 30. I got married and found my partner wasn't the type I wanted to have kids with so then it became "I don't want kids" rather than deal with the inevitable. Then I got divorced, met a wonderful man, got remarried, and now we are thinking about kids. Or just one.
I'm terrified. Kids were not part of my life plan for a long time and now, I don't have the luxury of time. I've always been vigilant about my birth control. Birth control has been my savior the last twenty years. Currently, I have an implantable device in my arm that is good up through next summer, but I am getting it out next month. Plenty of women have babies after they hit 30, and even 40. I am going to be 38, I am old enough to already have an adult child. I'm technically old enough to be a grandmother. I'm not even pregnant and I'm already nauseous.
I don't know what I am going to get out of this blog. I may not even keep up with writing on it. What I do know, is I have no idea what I am doing. I'm not sure I still even really want a kid, but I have to do it now or never. No one ever says they regret having a child, but plenty regret never having one. But plenty never have kids and don't regret it either. I'd rather regret something I did than something I was too afraid to try. That's what I am telling myself at least.
There will be a lot of benefits of waiting until now to have a kid. I've got my MSN, have travelled the world, am way more mature than I was in my twenties, I'm better off financially, and I eat better and take care of myself. I am much better prepared to be a parent now than I ever was. I'm anxious to see how this whole thing pans out for me.
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